BDSM 101 with Tawney: Negotiating a Scene - a Video Tutorial

BDSM can be a fun and fulfilling way to explore with your partner but you need to make sure you are both on the same page before you get started. Join sexpert Tawney as she explains how to negotiate a BDSM scene so that you both get what you need.

Be sure to check out Betty's excellent selection of BDSM, kink, and fetish items. Click the link below:

 Video Transcript

Hey everybody, it's Tawney Seren here with Naughty Betty's, and today we're going to talk about negotiating a BDSM scene.

So as you're kind of, you know, gathering your goodies and chatting with your partner, you might want to discuss what it is you're about to do, how you're going to do it, and a bunch of other aspects that really create a well-rounded and safe scene for you and your partner.

Now let's dive right in. So first we're going to talk about the arrangement of roles, and this is where you discuss with your partner which role you're going to be playing. This is not just like, you know, dominant … submissive … switch. This could also be whether you're playing the form of a maid: that is, submissive could be part of your role play; what character are you going to be, what is it that you expect to be playing, and what you would like to expect from your partner.

So this is also a great time to kind of put in your expectations of play. I might say that i am a submissive maid, and my expectation is that I am to be spanked, I am to be maybe humiliated, and then that there is some sexual content, um, you know, like between us. So, uh, another thing that you should discuss while figuring out your roles and listing, that is, whether or not you are going to actually be engaging in sexual contact.

A lot of people think that BDSM is a very sexual thing, and yes, you can become very aroused, you can reach these beautiful points in your mind you didn't think possible, but it's not always sexually, like, you know, interactive. It doesn't mean that you're going to have penetration. It doesn't mean that you're going to have any foreplay. Sometimes the act in itself is the foreplay, so make sure that you arrange which role and your expectations for that fun scene.

Now let's talk about those limits and safe words. Before you progress in your scene and setting it up, it's important that you have an established safe word with your partner that can end anything at any given point. Make sure that you have a verbal and a non-verbal, because if you're in any sort of bondage or restriction of speaking, whether that's choking, a ball gag, or even if you know that you're going to enter into a space where you perhaps will not have the ability to say it, it's important to have those.

Limits are also important. If you feel like you have a threshold that day, that needs to be mis like managed again with your partner and brought up. That's so important. You might love getting your ass beat, but maybe that day you're feeling a little sensitive, and you'd like more of a light spanking. You could say that your hard limit in that day is anything above, like, this sort of threshold that you guys have established. It's important to put in those limits: how far is this going to go, and how can I stop it if it goes too far, hence the safe words.

Now we have the types of attire, the toys, the gear. This is where you can talk with your partner about what you're bringing in, what would you like them to wear, what would they like you to wear, what sort of toys and gear are going to be brought in. So even if it's something that you don't plan on bringing out until later in that scene, it's important to let your partner know it's going to be making an appearance, just in case that item or that gear falls under a limitation for that day.

So make sure you discuss all the fun stuff you're going to bring in. This can also be kind of a form of foreplay. You're preparing for this scene: it can be incredibly arousing having a little bit of an insight as to what is going to happen to you and not quite know when. So make sure to discuss those limitations. Make sure to bring out those toys, and, uh, together you can decide what that experience is going to be like.

Then you're going to want to discuss the duration. So it's very important to make sure that you have a generalized time in which all of this is going to take place. If you are going to want to do it for hours, it's important that you bring in things like water, snacks, things that are going to be able to keep you hydrated, that are going to be able to keep your mind in the game, and that aren't going to put you at danger if things are pushed a little bit too far.

Uh, it's very important to have that aftercare items and, uh, discussing that aftercare with your partner, so that you can bring that in. I'm going to touch base on aftercare a little bit more at the end, because that's how we round up a scene, but make sure that you have those things in reach, especially if you are going to have yourself a longer session than normal.

If you're looking for just kind of a quick session, it's important to let your partner know that as well, so that they are not stopping themselves essentially from having more pleasure in the scene, or, um, in other cases, you know, believing that it's going to end at a certain time and then having things end early or too late for them. So discuss that duration of your very very sexy scene.

So along with safe words, you also want to make sure you have safety items if you are doing things like slavery, any sort of hanging, rope in general. If you've got bondage, you know, materials, and gear that you are used to playing with, even if you know it so well and you're so incredibly used to using it, it is important that you have something that can help you escape.

So I highly recommend safety scissors. Uh, those will can, you know, they can be used to cut up the mouth gags; they can cut off bondage gear. But make sure that you have something, so that if you need to get out of something fast, you have the proper safety gear. This may not apply to all scenes, but it's important to kind of consider things. Like if you're playing with fire, if you're playing with pain do you have something to alleviate that. If things go too far, even with a safe word, and even knowing each other's limitations, mistakes can happen, and it's very important to be prepared for them if they occur.

And last but certainly not least, make sure, as I mentioned before, to discuss whether or not there's going to be any sexual contact in your play.

Now, aftercare. This is so incredibly important, and everybody has different ways that they need to be cared for after a scene. Make sure that you learn your partner's language and what they need. Some would like to be cuddled, relaxed, maybe a bath. You know, kind of come down from that space that they're in. Some would like to discuss it, talk it out, you know, kind of see what they liked, what they didn't like, summarize it up and complete that cycle. Or there's people like me that don't want to be touched at all, and just want to be fed and get some sugar in their system. Uh, it really depends from person to person, but it's important that you understand what is needed afterwards to get back to that neutral place.

So set your scene, have that conversation, negotiate your fun, and it will lead to a very safe sexual and wondrous time in your BDSM scene with your partner or partners.

I wish you all the best! Make sure to click “subscribe”!

Friends, I will be back with much more BDSM knowledge, and be sure to check out Betty's for all of your BDSM needs. Check out the links below!

Thank you everybody, and have so much fun!