The Ultimate Guide to Strap-Ons: How to Choose the Right Harness & Dildo

How to Choose, Fit & Use One (For Every Body)

We’re going to say this right up front if you’ve ever felt curious about strap-ons but also a little unsure where to start, you are very much not alone.

Strap-ons can feel intimidating at first. There are dangling straps, buckles, sizing, angles, and a whole lot of “am I doing this right?” energy. That’s why we at Betty’s have created this comprehensive guide to answer all of your questions. Because once you understand the basics, strap-ons can be one of the most empowering, connective, and fun additions to your intimate life.

This guide brings together everything you need to know so you can go from curious to confident, at your own pace.

What Is a Strap-On?

A strap-on is a wearable toy system made up of:

• A harness (what you wear)
• A dildo or compatible toy (what’s used for penetration)
• An o-ring (that holds the dildo in place)

They can be used by people of all genders and bodies for:

• Vaginal or anal penetration
• Gender expression and affirmation
• Power play and role exploration
• Shared pleasure and intimacy
• Support with ED or physical limitations

There’s no one way to use a strap-on and there are many styles to fit every need and desire. That’s part of what makes them so versatile.

Choosing the Right Strap-On Harness

If there’s one thing that makes or breaks the experience, it’s the harness. A good fit and the right style for your needs = confidence and control.There are several styles to choose from but once you understand how each one works and fits, it will be much easier for you to make an informed choice.

1. Waist or Hip Strap Harness (Classic & Adjustable)

This is the most common style. Although you will often see them described as waist harnesses, many naturally sit mid-hip. This is important to remember when we look at measurements later on. 

Waist or hip harness leg straps come in two, usually adjustable, styles

• Thong style - the strap goes between the legs then up the butt crack like a thong to where it meets the waist band in the middle
• Thigh style - two straps diverge between the legs and hug the butt cheeks on their way up to meet the waist band.

The difference is really a matter of preference and comfort. For anybody with testicles, the thong style does not usually accommodate that anatomy and it’s better to look for thigh straps. For anybody with a vulva, either works but consider how you feel about thongs in general. Both of these styles are typically

• Adjustable for a custom fit
• Very stable and secure
• Great for control and movement
• Easy to insert a dildo or other toy
• Typically made of fabrics that can be spot-cleaned
• Able to be used with different sized o-rings (and therefore different sized dildos)

Best for: Beginners and anyone who wants maximum stability

* BONUS TIP - look for a strap style harness with lower back padding for extra comfort

2. Underwear-Style Harness (Easy & Comfortable)

These look and feel like regular underwear and are available in styles such as thong, brief, and boxer brief. Their slip-on design means no fussing with straps. This style is typically

• Soft and body-hugging
• More discreet for all day wear
• Great for gender affirmation and packing dildos
• Not as strong for larger, heavier dildos
• Designed with the o-ring attached and not changeable
• Can usually go in the washer (check the labels first)

Best for: Comfort, ease, and quick setup. 

3. Thigh Strap Harness (Alternative Positioning)

As the name suggests, this type of harness is worn around the thigh instead of the pelvis. This style is perfect for

• Exploring unique angles and positioning
• Accessibility and mobility differences
• Strapping around a pillow or chair (depending on the size)

BONUS: You can explore this more in our thigh harness tutorial guide

4. Strapless Strap-Ons (No Harness Needed)

These consist of an internal bulb and an outer shaft. The bulb sits in the wearer acting as an anchor and g-spot stimulator. The external branch is used to penetrate a partner. Things to consider with a strapless strap-on

• No straps required
• Stimulates both wearers 
• Requires pelvic engagement to hold in place
• Can be paired with harnesses for extra stability

Best for: Experienced users or those wanting dual stimulation

5. Harnesses with Built-In Pleasure

Some harnesses include pockets for internal stimulators or vibrators, while others include a vibrating shaft for the pleasure of the receiver. Both styles are great for 

• Allowing both partners to feel extra pleasure 
• Enhancing connection between partners

6. Hollow Strap-On Sets (A Category of Their Own)

Hollow strap-on sets are a unique category within strap-ons and deserve their own spotlight. Instead of being solid throughout, these dildos are hollow inside, allowing them to be worn over existing anatomy. They’re often paired with a harness or built into one-piece sets.

These can be used by people of any gender and are especially helpful for those looking for alternative ways to enjoy penetrative play.

They’re a great option for:

• People experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED)
• Those who want added length or firmness
• Individuals with limited mobility who benefit from a more supported setup
• Anyone exploring different ways to experience penetration and connection

Hollow strap-ons can offer more control, consistency, and confidence, especially when traditional penetration isn’t possible or comfortable. Like all strap-ons, comfort, sizing, and material matter, so choosing a well-fitting option and using plenty of lubricant will make a big difference in the experience. 

To explore hollow strap-on sets more thoroughly you can read our blog post Hollow Strap-On Dildos: How to Choose & Use Them (Great for ED)

How to Choose the Right Dildo

Not every dildo works with every harness, so compatibility matters. Here is what to look for in a strap-on compatible dildo

Must-Have Features

• A flared base or
• A suction cup that allows the o-ring to stabilize the dildo by sliding into the groove above the suction cup
• Compatibility with O-ring harness systems and particularly the size of o-ring you currently use

What to Consider

• Size: Start smaller if you’re new. It's always easier to size up later
• Shape: Curved toys can target internal g-spot and prostate pleasure points
• Material: Silicone is body-safe, non-porous, and easy to clean
• Weight: A thick, heavy dildo will weigh down standard harnesses. You may need to look for a sturdier waist harness

Getting the Perfect Fit

A well-fitted harness should feel secure and neither loose nor restrictive. Many strap-style harnesses come with extra-long straps that can be tucked in or even trimmed when you find your perfect fit. Be sure to read the product description carefully and take your measurements if you’re not sure.

• The toy should sit firmly against your body
• There should be minimal shifting or wobbling
• The straps should not be cutting in to your skin
• You should be able to move comfortably

If something feels off, it usually just needs adjusting, not replacing.

How to Use a Strap-On (Without the Stress)

1. Communication is Key

Before introducing a strap-on, make sure you have had a conversation with your partner and that they are willing to try. Shopping together for a harness and dildo can be a very erotic experience. Topics you should consider

• What are you curious about?
• Are there boundaries either of you want to put in place?
• What pace feels right?
• When and how you will introduce the strap-on to your play

2. Practice Solo

Before using a new strap-on with a partner, both of you need to do some solo work. 

For the harness wearer:

• Put it on and adjust the straps to fit properly

• Walk around to make sure it will stay in place
• Try gentle hip movements

For the receiver:

• Make sure the dildo has been thoroughly washed and dried
• Use the dildo solo without the harness to be sure it is a comfortable size and fit for your body
• Have your partner use the dildo on you without the harness so they know the angle and pace you need when inserting it

This may seem like it takes away the spontaneity of the moment, but it is better to be prepared than to have a disappointing, or worse, uncomfortable first encounter with your new strap-on

Pegging: What It Is & How to Get Started

Pegging is a term used to describe strap-on penetration of a partner with a prostate (often someone assigned male at birth), typically using a harness and dildo. While the term gets talked about a lot, the reality is simple: it’s just another way to explore pleasure, connection, and different sensations, with the added benefit of prostate stimulation.

And like everything in this guide, it’s for anyone who’s curious, not something limited to a specific type of couple.

Why People Explore Pegging

People are often drawn to pegging because it can offer:

• Prostate stimulation, which can feel very different from other types of touch
• A shift in roles or dynamics
• A new way to experience intimacy and connection
• Exploration without pressure around performance

For many, it’s less about labels and more about curiosity and trust.

What to Look for in a Pegging Set

If you’re specifically exploring pegging, choosing the right setup makes a big difference in comfort and confidence.

1. Start Smaller Than You Think

For beginners, a slimmer dildo is key.

• Easier to relax into
• More comfortable for first-time use
• Helps build confidence for both partners

2. Choose a Comfortable, Stable Harness

Control matters here.

• Look for adjustable harnesses for a secure fit
• A snug fit helps with smoother, more controlled movement
• Underwear-style harnesses can feel less intimidating for beginners

3. Consider Shape

Slightly curved toys are often a great option.

• Designed to target the prostate
• Can enhance sensation without needing more size

4. Use Plenty of Lubricant

This is essential.

• Anal play requires more lubrication than other types of play
• A high-quality lubricant helps with comfort and ease

5. Look for Beginner-Friendly Sets

Many strap-on kits are designed specifically for pegging. These often include:

• A compatible harness
• A smaller, beginner-friendly dildo
• Materials chosen for comfort and ease of use

A Note on Comfort & Communication

Pegging is something to ease into. There’s no rush. Many couples often start with using fingers or a butt plug before moving up to pegging. When the time is right, 

• Start slow
• Check in often
• Let the receiving partner guide depth and pace

When both partners feel comfortable and supported, the experience becomes a lot more enjoyable, and much less intimidating.

3. Lubrication Is Essential

Dildos always need lube and lots of it. This ensures the receiver is always comfortable and able to experience maximum pleasure. Some styles of lube you can consider:

• Water-based = versatile and easy cleanup and compatible with all toys
• Water/Silicone Hybrid = longer lasting than water and safe for silicone toys
• Silicone-based = longer-lasting glide but not compatible with silicone dildos

4. Start Slow (Slower Than You Think)

• Having the receiving partner in position to control the depth and timing of penetration is a great way to start
• Begin with shallow movement
• Let the receiving partner guide depth 
• Check in often to make sure everybody is comfortable

5. Find Your Rhythm

This is where things click. Using a strap-on is more about:

• Hip movement than thrusting
• Angles over speed
• Connection over performance

Best Positions to Start With

• Rider on top: Receiving partner controls depth
• Missionary (wearer on top): Great control + eye contact
• Spooning: Slow, intimate, lower pressure
• Doggy style: Deeper angles once comfortable

Tips That Make a Big Difference

• Start with other forms of touch first (hands, oral, toys)
• Use a mirror if you’re learning positioning
• Add a small vibrator for extra stimulation
• Take breaks. This isn’t a race

Cleaning & Care

• Wash toys before and after use with toy cleaner or warm water + mild soap
• Use condoms when switching between partners or types of play (such as anal to vaginal penetration)
• Spot clean or put your harness in the washing machine (according to instructions)
• Store fully dry

Let’s Talk About Feeling Awkward

Because this comes up a lot. Yes, it can feel a little awkward at first, but with some practice, strap-on play can become a thrilling part of your couple time. Like anything new, it gets easier (and a lot more enjoyable) the more comfortable you become.

Shop Strap-On Essentials

If you’re ready to explore, here are a few places to start:

• Explore strap-on harnesses https://www.bettystoybox.com/collections/strap-on-harnesses-and-dildo-and-harness-sets

• Browse dildos compatible with harnesses 

• Find the right lubricant for comfort and glide 

• Add a bullet vibe to your harness

• Explore dildo base grinders that stimulate the harness wearer

Whether you’re just getting curious or ready to try, choosing the right setup can make all the difference.

Final Thoughts

Strap-ons aren’t about getting it perfect, they’re about exploring what feels good, together or solo. There’s no one way to do this and certainly no “right” experience. Throw pressure to perform out the window and embrace curiosity, communication, and a willingness to try something new.